Schlocktoberfest 2K16 Day 20: Megashark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

My advice to Mega Shark and Giant Octopus is go listen to War's Why Can't We Be Friends and resolve their differences.
My advice to Mega Shark and Giant Octopus is go listen to War’s Why Can’t We Be Friends and resolve their differences.

Synopsis: The California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creatures as they battle each other for supremacy of the sea.

Ever since Stephen Spielberg’s rise to fame through the little tale of a killer great white shark going by the name of Jaws filmgoers have had a bloodthirsty obsession with the ocean’s greatest predators. In the near four decades since a wide array of copycats have tried unsuccessfully to seize the same sense of unknown terror that looms off shore. In the case of Megashark vs. Giant Octopus it’s a standard monster flick set up with a pair of scientists (one of them being Debbie Gibson) stealing a submarine and studying the migration patterns of whales while at the same time a military helicopter drops some experimental sonar transmitters in the same area disrupting the whales to the point where they crash into a nearby glacier freeing a hibernating Megalodon and a ginormous octopus. With chompers and eight arms unleashed on the modern world they quickly choose to take several millions years of pent up aggression out on a dumbstruck society. As time begins to run out and few options remain Gibson takes charge leading a ragtag bunch of scientists and a pony tailed Lorenzo Lamas into battle desperately searching for a way to deal with this terrifying double dose of teeth and tentacles. Realizing that contemporary artillery is having little to no effect on either beast and inspired by the legendary boxing match Thrilla In Manilla between Muhammad Ali and Smokin’ Joe Fraizer humanity’s last hope is getting these two monsters to battle one another in a fight to extinction.

Throughout the history of mankind there have been some truly dastardly pair ups – Frankenstein vs. The Wolfman, King Kong vs. Godzilla, Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, Joe vs. The Volcano, Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason, and who could forget a rivalry intense as Vanilla Ice vs. Justin Bieber however all those pale in comparison to the monumental showdown between the notorious Megashark and Giant Octopus. I mean go ahead and try to get an appointment with wildlife expert Jack Hanna or wait until next August and tune into Shark Week on Discovery Channel chances are they won’t even acknowledge the age old question – Why do sharks and octopuses have such an undying hatred for one another? It remains one of those mysteries the likes of how far is up? Or why is the sky blue? Sure you could look long and hard and incorporate all sorts of scientific theory but as one day comes to a close and another begins it is easier to go with simple logic that both animals just can’t stand to be in the general vicinity of one another. In fact once the opening title logo pops up on the screen and these two prehistoric enemies are unthawed that’s exactly what they do, they head off on separate paths. I really can’t blame them for doing so as imagine getting into an intense argument with your roommate over who ate the last bag of Oreos when all of a sudden a freak ice age ends up cryogenically freezing you for 25 million years and then a weird accident ends up waking you up. Would you continue belittling one another immediately afterwards or would you suddenly realize that the world has drastically changed so nothing else really matters except exploring this new unknown. The Asylum has set up a film in which works well on one side of the coin whenever the Megashark pops up out of nowhere and causes a lot of collateral damage yet whenever Giant Octopus tries a relatively similar approach it becomes painfully repetitive. No matter how many times you see an octopus there’s nothing to get excited about it always has the same eight apendages so watching a tentacle fly out of the ocean and take down a navy aircraft or destroy an oil rig is about as exhilarating as working on your taxes or catching a marathon of The Boring World of Niels Bohr. Megashark vs. Giant Octopus teaches viewers valuable life lessons the likes of ‘Don’t love the ocean too much, it doesn’t love you back!’ or if you’re traveling on a jumbo commercial airliner and some turbulence begins to rock the plane whatever you do don’t tell the stewardess that you’re getting married in two days. Such a proclamation will only bring about the harbinger of death as well as an entirely new meaning to the idiom – Jumping the Shark. If you’re up to tackling this beast head on it’s going to take a pretty strong will and a high tolerance of bad acting from pretty much everyone who appears in front of the camera. As for the epic final confrontation between monstrosities there isn’t really much to write home about other than realizing you could probably be inspired to design a better ending with a keg of Old Milwaukee and a 10 year old copy of Adobe’s After Effects.

Final Grade: D+


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