Schlocktoberfest 2K16 Day 3: The Paperboy (1994)

When it comes time to collect you better have his tip ready or else!

Synopsis: A homicidal twelve-year-old paperboy becomes obsessed with a woman and her daughter next-door and will do anything to make his fantasy of the “perfect family” come alive.

Three days into Schlocktoberfest 2016 and I figured now is the  perfect time to dive head first into the why does this even exist??? end of the pool. In fact after torturing myself for a grueling 87 minutes my mind is still screaming out in agony WHY IN THE BLUE F**K DO YOU EVEN EXIST?!?! It just renders me utterly speechless that someone would even think this idea would make for a white knuckle edge of your seat psychological horror spectacle.  Something that is supposed to act as a young teenager’s introduction into adulthood by learning the values of hard work and responsibility has every right of being cashed in on for a bargain basement cheap thrill as much as having a Ford Pinto included as part of a classic car show.  And look I’m not trying to be PC here anyone who has followed this blog since its inception knows its anything but PC. What I’m saying is the film makers could have taken the occupational horror genre to new heights by going with something the likes of The Landscaper or The Pool Cleaner or The Air Conditioning Repair Man. That alone would have drawn in a far wider audience than the ones dying to see some 12 year old snot nosed punk begging for puberty to hit that way he wouldn’t have to stress over his voice cracking every time he threw a hissy fit.

 For a lot of you who grew up in the mid-90s I can see you sitting there debating on whether or not to track The Paperboy down and walk away with your sanity still intact. In fact there is one major advantage to watching this and that’s Alexandra Paul. Any guy who was a red blooded teenager back then loved watching her run down the beaches on Baywatch in a one piece bikini. My one hope out of watching this was maybe she’d go wild and break out a nice little two piece bikini and show off that killer midriff  but sadly that did not happen. There are actually a couple of mysteries I’m pondering with here. The first being why is it that the VHS box art logo looks nothing like the title card that pops up on screen at the beginning of the movie? The second is how come Alexandra Paul and William Katt get top billing over Happy Gilmore’s grandmother? That’s right you read that correctly Happy Gilmore’s grandma gets terrorized by the neighborhood paper boy. You know what, that’s going to notch up the final grade a little bit more. Thanks Happy Gilmore’s grandma!

Final Grade: C


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