Schlocktoberfest 2K15 Day 26: Deadly Instinct aka Breeders (1997)

If this is the picture our Extraterrestrial friend used on an intergalactic eHarmony I can see why he decided to pay Earth a visit.
If this is the picture our Extraterrestrial friend used on an intergalactic eHarmony dating site I can see why he decided to pay Earth a visit.

Synopsis: An alien travels to Earth on a meteorite and mates with humans to preserve its species and destroy humanity.

How could anyone muck up a simple concept the likes of an alien crash landing on earth with its sole mission being to propagate with a bevy of college co-eds? Easy just have the person in charge of designing the opening credit sequence use what looks like an early beta version of Microsoft Powerpoint and then forcibly drop them over some atrociously rendered computer animation of a lone meteorite passing through the solar system. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if said person would have picked out a font color that was a little easier to read than dark purple. If Deadly Instinct’s (or Breeders whichever one wants to refer to it as) sole purpose was to make my eyes bug out of my skull because my retinas were having difficulty adjusting to reading the words as they flashed on and off the screen in a migraine inducing clutter of misery then congratulations this alone almost made me grab the DVD out of my player and spew profanities upon it. We’re not even into the full movie yet and I’d end up also having words with the computer animator who designed the meteorite hurtling towards earth. Any scientist or normal everyday Joe would notice how much the space rock’s proportions are off. When it passes both Jupiter and Mars if it collided with either it would do some damage so why is it when it enters Earth’s atmosphere the only sign of catastrophe is plowing a small crater into a parking lot and not a global wide extinction?

Welcome to greater Boston’s most out of place girl’s only college which so happens is also conveniently located near the ocean as well as a nearby oil refinery. I’m curious to see what exactly the curriculum would be? Sorry ladies the only two fields of work you can enter into is the oil industry or marine biology. Hey why not go a full eight years of college and get a masters degree in both that way if there’s ever an oil spill you’ll have all the bases covered. Perhaps its best to pitch that acceptance letter into the waste paper basket since not much actual learning takes place instead the only thing you’ll take part in is inappropriate student/faculty/janitor extracurricular activities. College life is about gaining independence after 18 years of living under your parent’s roof and more importantly under aged drinking well except on this campus where you’ll get a stern lecture from one of your professors how alcohol is strictly prohibited even though he is seen walking around with a Coors hat on and a little bit later will put the moves on you in front of a neon beer sign. Whenever I’ve had to suffer through something that has no logical form of pacing the best way to numb the pain is to pay attention to the random details and occurrences that take place during filming. The creature effects are rather impressive and deserved to be showcased in a much better production but when observing the alien hobbling around it made me wonder how exactly is it able to catch up to its victims when he had the mobility of a potato with tooth pick legs.

Apparently Deadly Instinct/Breeders is a remake of the 1986 film of the same name (Breeders, that is not Deadly Instinct good luck figuring out why the production company didn’t stick to one title) although I’ve never had the privilege of viewing it (apart from coming across its notably awesome 1980s VHS artwork). Maybe the time has come to suffer through that one as well to see whether or not if its a vast improvement over this humongous pile of alien excrement. After experiencing the absolute worst opening credits sequence in the history of mankind things have to get better… right?

Final Grade: D


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