Schlocktoberfest 2K15 Day 10: The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Hey lady... Who's nailing who now???
Nail Gun Massacre? Or a P.O.’ed debt collector who has reached his breaking point. What a Choose Your Adventure that would be!

Synopsis: After a young girl is gang raped by a crew of construction workers, someone starts killing off members of the group with a nail gun.

Nothing defines a quintessential slasher movie better than giving the main villain a wide assortment of power tools to use. Chainsaws, hedge trimmers, weed eaters you name it the horror industry marched down to nearest Hardware Hank and promptly put them out of business for a week or two. I’m surprised that the major power tool companies didn’t make under the table deals back then to have their products prominently featured as a weapon of choice and most probably thought it over for a moment before turning such an idea down because 18 year old Peter or Billy weren’t planning in enrolling in a trade school (that and  having a power tool associated with any vile horror film would have sparked mass picketing faster than a wildfire). Thanks to its main slogan The Nail Gun Massacre takes into consideration that some stark raving maniacs might not be able to afford a chainsaw. I’m convinced however this wasn’t done for the sake of trying to deviate from the genre but rather because the director wasted what little budget he had procuring a nail gun and then quickly came to the realization there wasn’t enough scratch to pay for everything else. Besides why reimburse snooty overworked egotistical actors when you can drive to the nearest small town and ask complete strangers if they’d like to be in a movie. Don’t worry about if any of the performances come off bad all the mono-toned mumbling dialogue will be overdubbed by a badly synthesized score that sounds like John Carpenter’s second cousin failing miserably to emulate his style when all of a sudden the Dukes of Hazzard came on and it had to be magically woven in as well.

Whenever KISS open up their live shows they’ve always been quoted in saying – ‘You wanted the best? You got the best!’ Even though Schlocktoberfest 2K15 has dove deep into a plethora of terror we have yet to reach Schlock-Con 1. Well folks you wanted the Schlock you’re definitely getting the Schlock in an overly repulsive tsumani of hearse driving, Darth Vader with laryngitis voice modulating, Canadian tuxedo wearing proportions. Expectations? Might as well leave ’em at the door. The editing (or lack thereof) could have been done better by a film school dropout but that would be looking down on film school dropouts. Plus its been a little over a week since Schlocktoberfest last had an ample amount of T&A so if you still don’t know what else to make of The Nail Gun Massacre some 30 years later nudity can and will win over the most frivolous Schlock hound. Bon appetit!

Final Grade: B-


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